My sixty-pound six-month-old puppy always breathes like he just ran a fifty-yard dash;(40-88 breaths per minute, sometimes higher). Otherwise, he is very healthy; he is in great shape and plays outside every day. Fast vitals generally mean that the body is stressed and working overtime to return to equilibrium.
Lately, I have heard him breathing like he is climbing a mountain every night. In the daylight, it doesn’t really concern me, but at night between two and four AM, I wonder if I am overlooking some distress, like when my daughter had a quiet case of double pneumonia, and if there is something that I need to do for him.
I have reached out to all of my dog owner friends, but none of them can commiserate. Most of them said, “That’s weird, my puppy is breathing eight breaths a minute right now, but he is probably fine.” Yesterday, I finally succumbed to my night demons and took him to the vet. I am not a believer in allopathic medicine, but I figured the vet had seen way more puppies than anyone I know, so maybe he would have some insight.
The vet came out of the shoot like, “Hello, can I sell you a round of toxic injections?”
Me: He’s current.
Vet: How can I enroll you in a continual subscription of toxic injections or “heartworm preventatives” so that I can get my kickbacks and buy a bigger ski boat?
Me: Mosquito and tick season is over.
Vet: In Oklahoma (where I have my lake house), I recommend that people keep their dogs on year-round prescription preventatives (that pay me in kickbacks) for fleas, ticks, and heartworms.
Me: If he had heartworms, I would certainly treat him for that, but I’m not going to just give a healthy dog a prescription.
Vet: (perplexed face) So, you have an aversion to medicines?
Me: (thinking: “well no, Jackass, just poisons”) Yes
Vet: (pen in hand on prescription pad, perplexed pause) “Let me listen to him.”
(Listens to heart and lungs of healthy, happy puppy)
No lung noises, no coughing, no murmur. “Geez, he does breathe really fast; maybe that’s normal for him.”
Me: thinking about how much I am about to pay for “maybe that’s normal.”
Vet: “I could X-ray him.”
Me: (hearing: “I could radiate him.”). “No, I don’t think that’s necessary. Can you test him for any indication that he is dealing with a parasite or bacterial infection?”
Vet: We can do that!
Me: (thinking, I’m not even going to ask if they will use a useless PCR test)
The vet tech takes some blood. Their crappy tests say that he is negative for everything that they have for sale.
I paid $92 to be reminded that allopathy is the business of causing sickness.
Noted.
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Funny, well said.